And the confidence that I want to share with you is that I have been feeling emotionally wobbly of late. Prone to tears. Excited for the new adventures awaiting my kids at school this year (Connor is a freshman at Appalachian State and Courtney a junior at University of North Carolina who will be studying abroad), but wondering what might become of me.
When I first began working, I wanted to be the CEO, and then I wanted to be a working mom who did it all, then I just wanted to stay home with my kids, and now, after sixteen years, I wonder what to do next.
And so I feel a little weepy. And I find that I have been pulling away from the things I used to do .... to free myself up...for what?
So, this morning I was dragging a bit when I got out of bed and prepared for the day. I brewed a pot of coffee, baked some almond croissants for a treat, and then read the scriptures outside on my deck for a little while. Then Jim came downstairs and I realized it was time to get ready for Mass. Could I be ready in fifteen minutes? Um, no. But I tried.
When I finally rolled into the parking lot at church and hurried toward the door, I could hear the entrance hymn being sung inside:
Come to the feast of heaven and earth! Come to the table of plenty!
God will provide for all that we need, here at the table of plenty.
Realizing I was late, I decided to walk calmly inside and stand near the door in the rear. There were families everywhere and as I scanned the seats, I wondered where I might try to squeeze in. Before long, the head usher Bob peered down the aisle, and after he asked someone to scoot over, he motioned for me to come in and sit down.
As I walked up the aisle, I saw my friend Liz with her family, and my deceased father's coworker from twenty-six years ago, Harry and his wife Joanmarie. The woman who had to move over for me gave me a smile, and I settled down as the scripture readings were proclaimed. I sang along with my husband from afar as he and the choir led us in the Psalm Response:
Praise the Lord my Soul. Bless the name of God!
Then the Gospel was read--it was the one about the generous vineyard owner who paid all of his servants a full day's wage, regardless of when they began their day's work in his fields. Our pastor spoke to us about economics and wage inequality and feelings of envy that inevitably crop up, even in our families, when we compare ourselves to others.
And he said that Jesus's parables are often inscrutable and we have to ponder them and tease out their meanings for ourselves. I agree with this. I think that we can take the Word of God, or the events in our daily lives (such as shopping for a bag, which I wrote about yesterday) and try to glean meaning in them for ourselves, and come away with a deeper understanding of our lives and of God.
After the homily, we recited the Profession of Faith known as the Apostle's Creed, we prayed for the needs of the Church and for the world, we took up a collection, and then presented the gifts to be offered during the Sacrifice of the Mass. Then we sang.
Open my eyes, Lord. Help me to see Your face.
Open my eyes, Lord. Help me to see.
Our priest held our gifts of bread, wine, and our very selves in his hands at the altar, and presented them to God.
May the Lord accept the sacrifice at your hands
For the praise and glory of His name,
for our good,
and the good of all His holy Church.
United in the assembly, we recited The Lord's Prayer and held hands with each other as we prayed.
At the Sign of Peace, my energy began to return to me as the woman beside me clasped my hand, smiled, and said, "Peace be with you. And I love your hair!" Then I turned to the family behind me and shook their hands. Turning the other way, I saw my friend Liz again and both she and her daughter stepped out of their row to kiss me on the cheek and wish me peace. And then I saw John, a man in his 80's whom I used to see at daily Mass years ago. He recognized me and even called me by name. Then dad's coworker Harry and his wife Joanmarie looked over at me and smiled and mouthed the words of peace to me as I did the same to them.
Lamb of God, you take away the sins of the world, have mercy on us.
Lamb of God, you take away the sins of the world, have mercy on us.
Lamb of God, you take away the sins of the world, grant us peace.
My eyes were riveted to the hands of the priest now, who held up the bread that we had offered and that now, through the words of consecration, had become the Body and Blood of our Lord Jesus Christ.
Behold the Lamb of God,
behold Him who takes away the sins of the world.
Blessed are those called to the Supper of the Lamb.
I recollected myself as I said with the others, "Lord, I am not worthy that You should enter under my roof, but only say the word and my soul shall be healed."
Joyfully we walked forward to receive the Lord, hidden in the Eucharist, as we happily sang:
I, the Lord of sea and sky,
I have heard my people cry.
All who dwell in dark and sin
My hand will save.
I who made the stars of night,
I will make their darkness bright.
Who will bear My Light to them?
Whom shall I send?
Here I am, Lord. Is it I, Lord?
I have heard you calling in the night.
I will go, Lord, if you lead me.
I will hold your people in my heart.
When all who came forward had received Holy Communion or a blessing, the deacon purified the vessels that had held the sacred Host, and the remaining Hosts were carried up to the Tabernacle to be reserved for distribution to those who could not be present and for those who will stop by the chapel during the course of the week to pray.
Then the priest stood up and making the Sign of the Cross, offered the final blessing over the us:
May almighty God bless you:
the Father, and the Son, + and the Holy Spirit.
Amen.
And the deacon proclaimed:
Go in peace, glorifying the Lord by your life.
And you know what? Somewhere during the course of the hour, the life returned to my body and I could feel myself looking up and out with a smile toward others. Truly, I had experienced my own little resurrection from the dead.
Praise God!
